Hey, there’s no shame in admitting that you have flat buttocks. Go ahead, laugh your round, muscular, well-proportioned butts off, you jerks out there. Then maybe you’ll see what it’s like to walk a mile in their skivvies. The truth is you don’t have to have a flat backside to get gluteoplasty. Maybe you find your rump to be too shapeless. Maybe your junk is sagging a little too much for the trunk. Well, what are you going to do about it, huh? Don’t just sit there on your flat ass, go out there and be somebody!
What is it?
Gluteoplasty, also known as butt augmentation, generally refers to two different procedures. First there is the butt lift, which, for you geography nuts out there, is also known as the Brazilian butt lift (nationalism is a wonderful thing). This particular procedure, which may also be termed as fat injections, fat transfer, or fat grafting, involves several different “shape-modifying” injections to the buttocks. The idea is to use a little bit of liposuction to extract fat from around your butt, or the abdomen if desired, which will then be processed and purified before it is injected into the buttocks.
The second form of gluteoplasty refers to actual implants, ideally made of an elastomer that doesn’t leak or something like cohesive silicon gel. The implants are meant to be more resistant and durable than breast implants, obviously because your bottom is meant to withstand stronger forces and pressure (you know, sitting, walking, running, jumping). A two to three inch incision will be made on the inside folds of the buttocks, and the implants will be inserted either on a submuscular level (enhancing the upper buttocks) or a subfascial level (enhancing the lower buttocks).
Who needs it?
Both men and women are getting gluteoplasty these days, meaning the trend is not at all exclusive. Men generally want to enhance the outline of the gluteal muscle (here’s looking at you UPS guy), so usually only the prosthesis is necessary. Women, on the other hand, are generally looking to get more shapely or rounder buttocks, which may mean a combination of prosthesis and fat injections. Otherwise, body builders are prime candidates for gluteoplasty because it can be more difficult to further develop the glutes as opposed to the muscles in the rest of the body. Show me a body builder with a trophy and a wimpy ass. I dare you. Also, if you’re a female and you aspire to dance in rap videos while drinking champagne out of a hose, gluteoplasty may also be for you.
Benefits
According to Dr. Hugo Cortes, “Having a nice gluteal zone is a source of self esteem, and it can be compared with having nice clothes or using fine colognes, etc.” Now I’ve never thought of my ass as an accessory, but just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. In fact, now that I’ve been enlightened I liken my ass to a shiny new bracelet or a piece of fine jewelry. So is it vain and self-absorbed to pay $4,810 (standard package price) for butt implants? Maybe a little, but if it boosts your self esteem then who cares?
The truth is, it’s cosmetic surgery, so the primary benefit is to make you feel content with your body. On top of that, the surgery is rather quick (two hours at best) and the scars are barely visible considering that they are located in the creases of your buttocks. Some researchers are even claiming that gluteoplasty can help treat a condition known as fecal incontinence, which is defined as incomplete control of the fecal stream. Dear god, somebody please get those poor people some butt implants, stat!
Risks
The actual procedure is fairly safe and leaves little room for infection. Mainly, the biggest risks will be associated with the activities you partake in during the weeks following your gluteoplasty. For the week following the procedure, try to resist the temptation to sit (maybe try your hand at stand-up comedy) and only lay down on your stomach (or as Dr. Cortes insists, “patients must sleep upside down”- something tells me that English isn’t his first language.) Furthermore, for the next 5-6 weeks you should avoid physical exercise. Also, if you’re big into steroids (I know a lot of you readers are), you’re going to want to avoid injections of the bottom variety, unless you want to pierce one of your butt implants.
THE BOTTOM LINE
So you got a flat ass and you’re embarrassed. Get a gluteoplasty, it’s what they’re there for.
The information in the article is not intended to substitute for the medical expertise and advice of your health care provider. We encourage you to discuss any decisions about treatment or care an appropriate health care provider.
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